Something was fundamentally wrong. I was like the gas boiler you have in your homes; to all intents and purposes it looked like a boiler, but the little blue light, the important blue spark had gone out, and everything was cold. Anxiety and depression are invisible but very real tormentors, and at the age of 22 when life was exciting and beginning to take off- I had no vocabulary for the agony that had begun deep in the bones of me. I was in pain without being able to find the wound, clutching at my elbows and holding myself tight, unsure of where the injury was. It’s so strange to feel so dark, when on the outside you look no different. I didn’t know how to keep myself alive- the only thing I knew, was that I was desperate to.
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I read anything and everything I could get my hands on; The Secret, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Paul Mckenna. Each text resonated with me in some small way and I slowly collected gems of advice in each piece I read, putting together my own understanding, seeing that essentially they were all speaking the same simple truth; that your mind creates everything. That you are in control of what your life looks like.
When you truly understand this, the game changes.
You must never stop in your research when it comes to self-inquisition; go meet people, read, travel, be curious, ask why. When you realise you are not singular and alone in your pain, in your dreams and goals – you see that you are much more powerful as a collective. Surround yourself with good people, like-minded people and you will arm yourself with the tools for success. “Ignorance is a curse from God, knowledge the wing wherewith we fly to heaven.”
Be your own source of comfort. In looking for the best version of your life, you have to develop the best version of yourself. Your current state is not your identity. We are very attached to the idea of ‘I am;’ we assign characteristics and careers to our name as we look to root ourselves. ‘I am a depressive,’ ‘I am unlucky,’ if you say these things, then you are these things, because if you make the attributes that cause you pain your identity, you padlock yourself to that pain without hope of escape. You cannot let it go if you’re saying that depression is a part of you like your right arm is.
You don’t get to decide what happens to you- the world will always spin and throw things at you as it sees fit, but you do get to decide how you manoeuvre yourself around the obstacles met. These are opportunities for growth- seize every one of them no matter how painful. I could not sit and accept that this was the life I was supposed have, I picture a happy and healthy form of my life constantly, like watching a movie over and over, and the more you feed the image of a better life, a better version of yourself, the more it begins to manifest. The best version of yourself already exists, it’s your job to nurture it.. You get to decide the person you’re going to be.
Find meaning in the obstacles, make peace with yourself.
It May be relentless but so am I. This was my motto. I repeated it, wrote it over and over in my notebook, I said it out loud, cried it into the shower, I said it to others when they asked how I was doing. Every day that I couldn’t leave the house, get on a train because of panic attack, every party I missed, every friend I couldn’t see, opportunity lost. Every day that I fell, I got back up again. I tried again, in small ways each day, over and over until slowly but surely I returned to myself. It was relentless, but so was I. There is no doubt that there is core of strength within each person, that voice that says, get back up, try again. If you want something bad enough, get back up.
When I look back at that time, I feel nothing but gratitude. I’ve made peace with the fear that commanded my decisions back then. I have no regret at the time lost and tears spent in my early twenties, because it gave me a lesson that people often don’t come across until later in life. My gratitude for the every day creates so much for me, and that thankfulness will get you places; you see the world differently because you almost lost your place in it, and in fighting so hard, now, even the sunshine feels so much sweeter, a normal quiet day brings you grace and joy the way others will never notice. Be grateful for lessons that are offered no matter what shape they come in- I am the best version of myself because of it. A positive mind will conquer all.
This was a guest blog by Melody Miller.
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Until next time… make it happen.
p.s. Have you downloaded my free ebook Staying Positive: 10 Simple Tips to Staying Positive? Click here to download it now!